Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy
by CaptainKJ
Summary: Kathryn Janeway:Starship Captain with a loco crew! How will she ever get her head straight? Ch21: More fluff by Janeway...sigh. Ch22: Borg litter the station...and what's with Chakotay? And me...and my friends...
1. The Poor Captain's Plight

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

A/N: This is a first person account of Captain Janeway's year when she meets the mirror Voyager.  (After Voyager but before Nemesis…somewhere in 2378)

Chapter One

The Poor Captain's Plight

"Warp speed ahead." I groaned, and got off the seat. "Chakotay, in my ready room."

Chakotay followed me. "Um Captain…"

I turned. "Yes, Commander?"

"Never mind."

I opened the door and sat in my seat. "Now, Chakotay."

"Now what?"

"Why are you blushing in my presence? Like, right now."

"Um…" He looked at his boots. "Because I love you, Kathryn!"

I laughed. "Okay, Chakotay, get on with the real reason."

"No, really, I love you." He came up to me and kissed me on the lips, then let go.

"Wow." I pulled him down and kissed him again.

"Bridge to the Captain."

I let go, tapping the badge. "Go ahead."

"There's something on sensors-three unknown ships."

"Coming." I looked at Chakotay. "Holodeck One at 1900 hours."

"Of course."

I walked into the bridge, and heard some stifling chuckles. "What?" I sat in my seat, and heard a squelch. Everybody started laughing, except for Tuvok, who was only raising an eyebrow. I stood up and turned, running my hand over my seat, taking off a circular object painted black. "Damn it, who put this on my seat?"

Paris was looking up, and I threw it at him, hitting him square in the face. "Mister Paris, out! Out, out, out!"

"Alright, already, Ice Queen." He went to the hall, and I sat down, smiling. "Anything on sensors?"

"Nothing," Kim said.

I sipped my coffee then spat it out. "What the hell did you put in here?!" I sniffed it. "Gravy?" I put it in the replicator. "Coffee, Black!"

The cup came out, but it was empty. "You fucking replicator!" I kicked it hard until the paneling was dented and I was satisfied. "Janeway to Torres, fix the replicator for me."

"On it!"

I stomped back to my seat. "What now, Voyager? Are you going to crash into a planet? Blow up? Come on, I dare you!" I yelled.

"Captain, calm down," Chakotay said. I glared at him.

"Don't tell me what to do, Tattoo Boy."

"But Captain-"

"You're dismissed."

"Captain-"

"Dismissed, Chakotay."

Then the ship rocked, and I fell into his lap, then on the floor. "What's happening?!"

"Systems Failure. Abandon ship."

I was having a bad day. What the hell was wrong with this ship today?

A portal opened in front of us, and a ship plowed into us, sending all of us spinning into the surface, and we bounced off the surface and skidded to a stop.

"They're hailing us!" Kim said.

"Open the channel."

I saw…myself facing me, but she was wearing armor and lots of weapons on her belt. "Oh no, not the mirror universe. What is wrong with this picture?"

"I'm Intendant Janeway of the Sol system. I command you to surrender your ship and weapons to me."

"Oh I'm scared! Ha! I'm Captain Janeway of the Federation, and I say I'll rather eat Neelix's cooking before I surrender."

"I would like to see that, Janeway."

"Go right ahead, beam here and you'll see the truth."

She beamed in front of me and pointed a phaser at me. "Now!"

"Hold on, I'll get it." I backed up and went to the turbolift. "So, Intendant Janeway, what's up?"

She glared at me. "Don't speak to me."

"We're equals." I smiled. "Come on."

"I was supposed to receive more dilithium and inspect the mining centers on Mars, but I ended up here. Happy?"

The turbolift doors opened, and we got off, her phaser still pointed at me. I went to the mess and went to the counter. "Neelix?"

He popped up and yelped. "Which one of you is Janeway?"

"I am," we both said.

"Captain Janeway."

I grinned. "That's me. Now, what's for lunch?"

"My soufflé or my steak, your choice."

"The soufflé, please."

He handed it to me. "Bon appétit."

"Thanks." I sat at the table. "Well, here goes…"

The doors opened, and Chakotay came in. "Captain?"

I looked up. "Oh no, you invited the whole crew…"

The rushed in, and watched me. I started scooping it up, and flicked it towards Chakotay. "FOOD FIGHT!" 

Intendant Janeway was gaping at my move, and tried to shoot us, but her weapons got covered in food.

"Kathryn…"

I turned, and Chakotay slammed a pie in my face.

"Hey, Janeway, take this!" The Intendant threw her food at me, and I got Neelix's cream pie and threw it at her.

The mirror Voyager's crew came in and started shooting, but they joined in after their weapons stop firing.

I got up on a table and yelled, "Stop! Have you all gone mad?"

Everybody threw food at me.

"Hey, " Kim yelled. "Is that flan?"

"Flan!" They chased after it.

The doors opened. "What's going on?" Paris was rubbing his eyes then did it again. "Captain, Captain, and Commander, what?"

"Um, Paris, this is Intendant Janeway. I'm the Captain."

"Wow…can I treat you to dinner, Intendant?"

She slapped him.


	2. Q Steps in to Help

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter 2

Q Steps in to Help…or is he?

"Ugh…" I had another headache. 

"Here, this will help." Chakotay handed me a cup of tea.

"Thanks." I kissed his cheek, and sipped the tea.

"Hey, Janeway."

I looked up. "Intendant."

"If you kill a few ensigns, that'll help."

"We don't do that in the Federation." I smiled. "Although it might help." I sipped the tea.

"Is that Earl Grey?"

"No."

"Good, because if you did I would've killed you right there. I don't like people who drink that sissy crap. Reminds me of Picard, that bastard."

"No wonder." I put the cup back on the saucer and looked up at her. "Aren't you supposed to be finding your way back to the mirror universe?" 

"Yes, but I don't know where it is."

"What?"

"I don't know where it is. My ship's trying to find it."

"Oh. Why don't you get somebody who can do the job for you, like-"

"Q here, for all of your needs…" Q yawned. "What do you want, Kathy…"

Intendant Janeway grabbed Q and pinned him to the wall. "I want to go back to my universe! Now!"

"You are in your universe, Kathy," Q said sleepily. "Although I don't know why there's a copy of you right behind you."

I slapped him. "Wake up, Q!"

Q blinked. "Kathy? Then who's…?" He screamed. 

I slapped him harder. "Get a grip, Q! She's from the mirror universe!"

"Oh." He snapped, and appeared behind her. "I see…" He snapped, then did it again. "Oh no, I can't use that power!" He pounded his head on the wall. "They sealed that power…"

"Who's he?" Intendant Janeway muttered.

"Q, he's this omnipotent being."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's just reliving his feelings on my wall-hey, don't pound your head on my desk!"

Chakotay held me. "It's all right, Kathryn."

"What?"

"Never mind." He let go.

A bucket of coffee then poured on my whole desk, covering all of the padds and Q.

"PARIS!!!!" I yelled.

Chakotay hugged me close. "It's okay Kathryn…" 

"I'm going to get that Paris-ahh!"

Another bucket came down on me, except it was cream instead of coffee.

"PARIS!"

"Kathryn!" Chakotay yelled. The Intendant just stared.

"Captain, what the heck is with you?!"

I wiped the cream off my face. "I'm going to get revenge with that TOM EUGENE PARIS!"

A bucket hit me, and I crumpled to the floor.


	3. Laser Tag with the Intendant

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter Three

Laser Tag with the Intendant

"Mmm…." I snuggled close to Chakotay in bed, and licked his skin.

"Kathryn…"

I looked up. "What?"

"Oh never mind."

"What's with the never minds-Damn!"

The bed flipped over, and Chakotay was on top of me.

"Ow, Chakotay…"

He got off me. "Sorry, Kathryn." 

"What's with me today? Am I jinxed?"

He looked at me with this sad look. "I'm afraid so." He held up a chart. "See, this chart says you're going to have a year of bad luck, because of…"

I threw the chart away. "What ever, I don't believe in that stuff, yada yada yada. This sucks…you want to sleep in the Holodeck?"

"Sure."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

I leaned against the oak tree in the park simulation with a pillow. "So, Chakotay, aren't you going to make love to me?"

"Make love?" He chuckled. "Maybe…" He started taking off my dress. "Right now is a good time…"

I laughed, and took off his pants. "Move to the left, Tattoo Boy…"

"Okay, Miss Ice Queen." He quietly kissed my ear. "You're lovely naked."

I laughed. "So are you."

"I shouldn't have seen that."

I looked up. "Intendant! Chakotay, did you put the privacy locks on?"

"Of course I did." He turned and screamed. "Damn, what's with the Hirogen armor?"

"We're hunting ensigns, of course." She put the helmet on. "Want to join?"

I pulled my nightdress on. "No. Come on, Chakotay."

He pulled on his pants and then followed me.

"Oh, come on, Captain! It's a sport on my ship, isn't it here?"

I turned. "No, it is not. Why are you here?"

"No Holodeck on my ship."

"Who's sanctioning this?"

"Tuvok, he's over by the cage."

"Which one?"

"Yours."

"Tuvok! What's with you today?"

He turned. "The Intendent made a great deal-if I get some ensigns, I can come with her."

"You're in my service, Mister Tuvok of Vulcan."

"Not any more!" He opened the cage, and the ensigns scattered.

I grabbed the Vulcan's collar and pulled him close, then flung him back. "Go, Chakotay!"

He kicked him up and to the Intendant's way. "Hey, we play dirty too."

The Intendant caught him. "Well, I challenge you to a duel, tomorrow at 2100 hours. Here."

"Well," I started. "It's a deal."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

I held the rifle at my shoulder.

"Katie, it's not safe." Chakotay kissed me. "I'm begging you with coffee on top not to do this."

"It's the only way to prove that I'm the leader on this ship." I pointed it at him, and put the Starfleet helmet on. "Come on."

"Well, all right." He then said, "It's okay, Kathryn."

"What?"

"Never mind."

As it was, I got hit with padds. To my stomach, that is. "I'm so tormented!" I yelled, sobbing. "Why? Why?" I turned to Chakotay, who was whistling. "Chakotay…"

"What? I have nothing to do with this."

There was a flash, and Q appeared. "Kathy?"

I took off the helmet and threw it at Q, who was hit in the butt with it. "Go away, Q." I walked to the Holodeck. "I'm here, Intendant, where are you?"

She started shooting at me from a tree, and I dodged it, shooting at her.

"You won't catch me!" The Intendant jumped to another tree and started shooting.

I took off the nozzle of the rifle and quickly changed it into a flamethrower. "Ha!" I started spraying it all over the trees.

"No fair!"

"It's a standard issue Special Ops rifle." I aimed it at her. "Surrender?"

"No." She threw something at the ground then ran back. It blew, and I was thrown back to a tree.

"Fuck you."

"Back to you." She came up and slapped me.

"Tag, you're it!" I slapped her with my rifle and ran. " Come on, try to catch me! Catch me if you can!"

"End program!"

I stopped. "Belay that, Janeway Omega Alpha 47!"

"Belay that, Janeway Alpha Delta 74!"

"Belay that!"

"Belay that!"

"Belay that!"

"Belay that!"

"STOP!" The computer yelled. "Shut up, both of you! Just…shut up!"

I glared. "You're my computer."

"No, I'm Starfleet's computer." The doors opened, and a gust of wind blew us out. "Happy?"

I looked at the Intendent. "Well, I guess no one won."

She laughed. "We both did. You wanna see my ship?"

"Sure!"


	4. Reality

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter Four 

Reality 

Another whoopee cushion was put on my chair, and the Intendant had the same problem.

"Hey, Captain, why don't we switch?" She asked.

"Switch? Aren't you going to take over my ship?"

She laughed. "Of course not! Your ship's weaker than mine, plus it's booby trapped."

"Booby trapped?"

"Yeah, so if some one tries to take it, they'll probably be killed." She put her spoon down. "You have to give that file for coffee ice cream."

"Don't you have ice cream?"

"No, just icy screams, when you get buried in ice for being bad." She stood up. "We'll switch uniforms."

"Here?"

"Hey, it's your room."

"Doesn't your uniform smell?"

"Of course not." She took off the first layer. "I'll help you with it."

"How many-"

"5. You'll get used to it."

"I hope so."

"It's titanium, so it's light." She took off the last layer, and I gave her my uniform. "Its just pieces of cloth! How do you survive in these things?"

"We stay in our ships." I grinned. "Act normal, okay? Don't go shooting everybody up just for fun."

"Of course, Captain, but you're going to have to shoot everybody up on my Voyager." She handed me the rifle. "Get used to it."

I sighed, and put the armor on.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Intendant."

I woke up, and Chakotay was standing in front of me. "It's time for duty."

"Oh. Okay."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you fine Intendant?"

I glared at him. "You are in no position to ask about my health."

He flinched as I reached for the rifle, and I holstered it. "Go to your station."

"As you wish." He turned and walked away. I grinned. This was fun. I got up and went to the bridge. "Report!"

"Nothing on sensors."

I looked at the ensign at the station. "There's always something on sensors."

"No, nothing, Intendant."

I lifted the rifle and shot him in the head. "Get somebody to replace him, Chakotay." I sat down.

"As you wish."

"And make it someone good."

"As you wish."

I brooded in my seat-um-"throne", as the Intendant called it.

"Transmission from the mirror Voyager, Intendant."

"Open it."

The real Intendant smiled. "How's it going?"

"It's fun here." I saw an ensign slinking away, and I shot him without looking. "Really fun. Want to keep it that way?"

"No, it's boring here! Look at it! Nothing of value. Hello, Chakotay!" She waved.

The mirror Chakotay gaped. "Intendant? Then…" He looked at me. "Kill her!"

"No, don't! I command you!" She yelled. "I'll kill all of you if you harm her!"

Chakotay put me down. "As you wish, Intendant." He glared at me. "Weakling."

I kicked him. "Idiot, you don't talk to an Intendant that way, even though I'm not her."

He trembled. "I'm sorry, Intendant."

I smiled. "Good."

"Wow, you're good." The Intendant laughed.

I grinned at the Intendant. "When do I come back?"

"In a week. I might like it here." She closed it. I sat down. "Follow the Voyager."

"Yes, Intendant." Paris pushed some buttons, then turned and tried to shoot me. I ducked and pushed a button on the rifle. He fell limp on his console.

"Get him out of here."

Some ensigns dragged him out of there, and I brooded again in my throne.

"Would you like anything, Intendant?" Chakotay asked.

I looked at him. "Coffee, black."

"Yes, Intendant." He left, in clinking armor. I stared. I wished that Chakotay would wear that sometime.

"Intendant, three ships on our aft side."

"Prepare weapons. Viewscreen."

Chakotay handed me the coffee, but spilled it as the Voyager rocked.

"Idiot!" I kicked him. "Get me another one!"

"Yes, Intendant."

"Transmission from the mirror Voyager, Intendant."

My Chakotay appeared. "It's hostile."

"Obviously."

He smiled. "The Intendant's really impatient here."

"Hail them first." I looked at Tuvok at the tactical station. "Target their weapons and fire."

"Yes, Intendant." He pushed a button. I turned and smiled as there was an explosion.

The mirror Chakotay handed me a coffee, and I took it from him and sipped it. "Thank you."

He paused, and I looked at him. He retained his hunter exterior. "Yes?"

"The Intendant never said 'thank you' to me. What do I say?"

I looked at him. "It's customary to say 'You're welcome'." I smiled. "Don't get used to it." He smiled, and then he just sat down.

"The ship is hailing us, Intendant."

"Take it."

"This is the Orion Syndicate's space. I demand that you leave."

I stood up. "I'm Intendant Janeway of the Terran Empire. I'll shoot you from the sky if you shoot us."

The Orion froze. "There is no Terran Empire!" He pushed a button, and the bridge rocked.

"I thought the weapon's array was down!" I yelled.

"That is a different ship, Intendant."

I froze. "Disable their weapons!" I glared at the Orion. "I gave you fair warning."

I cut the transmission and hailed the Voyager. "Well?"

"He's left," the Intendant said. "It's not the Terran Empire anymore."

"How-"

"I tapped to your transmission. I'm surprised no one corrected you. It's the Federation now in our universe."

"Federation?"

"The Terran Federation." She smiled. "Well?"

"Why don't we stay here for now, and dock the Voyager's together?"

"That's cool with me." She cut it, and I sat down, sighing. "Chakotay, come with me."

"I always do." He stood and held a hand for me. "The Intendant's lazy."

"But she's in great shape."

"It's the training exercises."

I stood up and took his hand, and went to the turbolift. "Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

I pulled him close and kissed him, then let go.

"I'm not allowed to have any relationship with an Intendant. I'm just a centurion."

"I'm not the Intendant." I kissed him again. I have no fucking idea why. Maybe because he's Chakotay, if a mirror one. He put his hands around me, and pulled away.

"I have no idea why the Intendant doesn't like me."

"Me neither." I smiled. "I'll talk with her."

"No, don't." He put a hand to my chest. "She'll probably kill me."

"No, I won't let her." I lifted the rifle. "See?"

He smiled, and got off. "It's the end of my duty shift."

"You live here?" I got off. "But these are the ensign's quarters!"

"The Intendant gets the whole first deck to herself."

I sighed. "Chakotay, you better come with me."

I heard a hiss, and the real Intendant got off. "Hey, Kathryn, how's Chakotay doing?"

I slapped her. "You greedy bitch."

She looked at me. "Why did you do that for?"

I glared. "Stupid, you let your crew go to waste!" I threw off the armor. "I quit!"

She looked at me. "The crew is just to run this ship. I just keep them in order."

I came close to tears. "You're all just cruel beings." I pointed to her. "You deserve to be killed." I threw the rifle at her head. "Damn you all."

I got into the turbolift and cried all the way to Voyager.


	5. Upside Down, Bouncing on the Bulkheads

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter Five

Upside Down, bouncing on the bulkheads…

"End program." Chakotay stood there. "What's wrong, Captain?"

I turned, and punched him. He blocked it.

"It's not good venting anger at the Intendant, let alone a hologram. Or at me."

I looked up. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Katie."

A light lit up in my head. "I have a plan, but you're going to be in this one."

"Yeay! I mean, yes, Captain."

I punched him playfully. "Come on…"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

I placed the last bucket over her chair. "Thanks, Commander."

He smiled. "No problem. Where's the mirror Chakotay?"

"Here." He stood there, looking at me. "Hello, Captain."

I smiled. "Don't tell the Intendant that I've done this."

"Yes, Captain."

I turned to the mirror Chakotay and laughed. "Kathryn, please. You're not an officer on my ship." I quietly hid behind the Intendant's chair, and waited for the Intendant. It wasn't long-she came onto the bridge and sat down in the chair.

"Report!"

I pulled the string, and the cream and coffee ran over her.

"Damn you, Janeway!" She yelled. I giggled and grabbed her helmet and took it off.

"Hya, Intendant!" I ran off with the helmet.

"Come back here, weakling!" She then tripped, courtesy of Chakotay.

I threw the helmet back, and I heard a thud.

"Janeway…." She put a fist up. "I'm going to get you sometime!"

I stuck a tongue out at her and skipped away to Voyager.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

The Intendant wasn't very happy when she came aboard Voyager. "Janeway, I'm going to kill you!" She yelled.

"Kiss my ass, Intendant!" I ran off, hightailing it.

"Wait till I get my hands on you!"

I heard her footsteps behind me, and I ducked into the mess hall, laughing.

Someone put their hands around me, and I turned, looking into Chakotay's eyes. "Hello, handsome." I touched his tattoo and smiled.

He kissed me, and smiled. The doors opened.

"Janeway…"

I turned. "Go away." I turned back to Chakotay and kissed him.

"Why you-"

I turned. "Go away. Erect a forcefield on Intendant Janeway." I grinned.

"Thanks a lot." She sat down. "A weakling beat me."

I glared, and went back to Chakotay. "Lets go on a date!"

"Hey, don't ignore me! What are you doing?" The Intendant yelled.

I walked with Chakotay to the Holodeck. The Intendant was pouting. I took a withering glance at her, then skipped to the turbolift.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Shut up!" The Intendant tried to pull the thing off our fingers. "What did you put on here? Super glue?"

"I have no fucking idea!" I looked at her. "Come on…"

Paris was laughing his head off. I slapped him.

"Fuck you!" He yelled at us, running off.

"Stupid fucking toy." She aimed a phaser at it, but it didn't come off. "Fucking Starfleet phaser."

"Goddamit." I dragged her to Astrometrics. "Seven!"

She looked up. "It seems that you need assistance."

"Duh! Now get this thing off our fingers!" I yelled.

She came over and tried to pull us off. "I suggest that you go to Lt. Torres for assistance."

"Thanks a lot," The Intendant said. "Stupid Borg."

Seven threw her tricorder at her, and it bounced off her head.

"OW!"

I dragged her to Engineering. "Stop pouting, you deserve it."

"Humph!" She crossed her arms over her chest and let me drag her.

I looked at her. "I can't carry you."

"I'm making you."

I kicked her. "Stand up."

She stood up and pointed a finger at me. "You can't order me!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"NO YOU CAN'T!"

"YES I CAN!"

"SHUT UP!" B'Elanna pulled us apart. "Are you guys crazy?"

The Intendant glared. "Klingon scum."

I slapped her. "You don't talk to my officers this way."

"I don't care."

B'Elanna towered over her. "I care!"

"O-okay."

B'Elanna looked at the thing on our fingers. "It's a Chinese finger puzzle!"

"Finger puzzle?"

"Look, you just have to bring your fingers together to get it off!"

I pulled my finger off. "Thank god!"

The Intendant looked at it. "Nice torture device, can I replicate one?"

"Go ahead," B'Elanna said. "Just don't get Paris in one. He's going to complain his head off, I'll bet you."


	6. Sailor Moon to the Rescue or not

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter Six

Sailor Moon to the Rescue…or not

"Chakotay…"

He looked up from his side of the bed and gaped. "Kathryn?"

"How do I look?" I was actually looking like Sailor Moon. Paris had introduced me to the cartoon. 

He stuttered. "Girlish."

I frowned. "It took me a long time to do this."

"You look nice." He got out of bed. "Now, if I was your boyfriend, how would I look like?"

"Um…"

He just shook his head. "Never mind." He shuffled to the restroom and closed the door.

I just skipped along to the Bridge. "Hello, Voyager!" I yelled. "Sailor Moon is here!"

Paris stood up, turned and fell down.

"Captain Janeway, you are breaking protocol on the Bridge." Tuvok stared at me.

I turned. "Well, Mister Proper, I suppose you haven't broken protocol before."

"As a matter of fact, I haven't."

I turned and sat down. "Party pooper."

Chakotay came to the bridge, and stared. "You're still in that crazy thing?"

"Hey, it's cute! I even told Seven and B'Elanna to dress up in these outfits!"

The turbolift doors opened. "This is a complete waste of time." Seven looked down distastefully. "It distracts me."

"It's the No-Duty game!" I skipped to the turbolift. "Who ever wants to be in charge can be in charge."

Seven turned. "Alright!" She skipped along to the turbolift and got in.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay yelled.

"Bye-bye, Tuxedo Mask!" I waved good-bye.

"Tuxedo Mask?" He jumped in. "What's gotten into you?"

I looked up at him with teary eyes. "I'm going insane!" I laughed.

"No wonder." He looked at me. "What do I have to wear?"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

The Intendant gaped at us skipping around her large quarters. "Get out of my quarters!"

I stopped and bumped (intentionally) into a pedestal. "Oops."

She stood up and dived for it, but it smashed anyway. "My priceless vase!" She stood up and seethed over me. "Damn you…"

I towered over another of her objects. "Ooh, what does this button do?"

"No, Janeway, don't push-"

I pushed it, and it exploded.

"-That button."

I laughed and skipped along, holding up a marker. "Catch, Sailor Venus!"

Seven caught it. "What do I do?"

"Mark everything in this place. Here, Tuxedo Mask, there's one for each of us!"

He got it. "Cool."

The Intendant grabbed my collar. "Janeway, I'm warning you…"

I lifted the last marker and scribbled over her face. She dropped me and started smearing it. "Fuck you, Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy!" She bumped into the empty pedestal and cursed.

"Yeay!" I skipped along and marked everything I found.

"Janeway!" The Intendant yelled.

The doors opened, and B'Elanna stepped in. "Wow, this is cool. Hey, Captain, what do I do?"

I turned. "Distract the Intendant."

"Cool!" She turned. I turned back on drawing Voyager on her wall.

The doors opened, and a security team barged in.

"Seize them!" The Intendant yelled.

I turned. "Run!"

We bumped into the Intendant, and she grabbed me. "You're going to pay, Janeway! Hey, that rhymes!"

I kicked her. "Get off me!"

"You're going to be tortured till you beg for mercy…Chakotay!"

Chakotay appeared. "Yes, Intendant?"

"Take her to the torture chambers."

"Yes, Intendant."

He led me to the chambers. I kicked and screamed. He wasn't fazed.

"I told you not to infuriate the Intendant."

"Doesn't she have any heart?"

He put me down and spun me. "Inside, yes, just like you have a tough soul in there. You're mirror images."

I laughed. "Well, can I escape this time?"

"No." He grabbed me and carried me to the chamber, under his arm.

"Release me! Get me out of here!" I yelled, kicking and pounding the mirror Chakotay.

"I have my orders."

I scowled and bit his hand.

"Shit!" He dropped me, and I ran for it.

"Come and try to catch me!"

He ran and caught me with one hand. "That's a stupid tactic." He dragged me back to the chambers. "You're quite strong."

"Thanks."

He turned and smiled. "You're…welcome?"

"You've learned quickly."

"You shouldn't act this way."

"I've gone insane long ago."

"Really? Well, I think that the Intendant's torture is going to make you saner than you are." He chained me. "Good luck."

"Good luck?"

The Intendant stepped in, holding an electric whip. "Well, the Captain's going to get a taste of the rough life, isn't she, Chakotay?" She was playing with it, twisting it around her gloved fingers, stretching it.

He didn't answer, and she flicked the whip his way. "Answer me!"

"Yes, Intendant."

"Good…" She laughed. "Let's start the torturing!" She flicked the whip at me, and it hit me across my legs. It didn't hurt.

"Ha, stupid, it didn't faze me!"

Chakotay winked at me. I shrugged the best I could, and he pointed to his clothes. I got it; he made my clothes shock resistant by touching me. I looked at the Intendant. "So?"

She turned off the whip. "I guess I have to go with the torture machine, hmmm?" She took a small machine and looked at it. "I've heard it's worse than the whip, right?"

"Yes, Intendant."

So, she was playing the mirror Chakotay like a dog. I'll just play along.

"Oh, no, Intendant, don't use that on me!" I screamed.

"Too late." She put it on me. "Say good bye to your sanity!" She pushed a button. It didn't hurt. "What? It was perfectly fine!"

The doors opened, and Chakotay stood there with a compression rifle in his hands. "Unhand my princess!"

"Chakotay!" I giggled.

"Take it away, Intendant."

She turned on the whip and played with it. "Oh, no, the gallant Chakotay has come to save his weak and helpless princess." She flicked it in his direction, and it slashed his uniform. "Idiot."

"Take this!" I kicked her head, and she dropped to the floor. "Thanks, Chakotay."

"You're welcome," They both said.

I smiled. "Now, get me out of here!"

The mirror Chakotay unchained me. "That was a very good move."

"Thank you." I jumped into Chakotay's arms. "My hero."

He just blushed.


	7. Borg Should NOT Drink Coffee!

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship_ _Crazy_

Chapter Seven

Seven of Nine's Coffee Addiction _or_ Borg Should Not Drink Coffee-Proven by Captain Janeway of the _Starship Voyager_

I sighed. "Nothing on sensors?"

"Nothing on sensors," Kim said.

I groaned. "This is the most boring Alpha shift ever."

"Sure is, " Paris said. "Even with the mirror Voyager parked here with us."

I stood up. "I'll go check the Intendant."

Chakotay snored in response. I giggled and ran off.

"Captain Janeway."

I turned and the Intendant was standing there on the bridge. "I was just looking for you!"

She sighed. "I heard."

"So what?" I shrugged. "I'm getting lunch." I walked off.

"Hey, that's not nice!"

I stuck a tongue back at her. "It's my ship!"

"Stupid Captain, stupid ship."

"I heard that!" I got on the turbolift and barked, "Mess hall."

"Yeah, yeah, " The computer said. 

I sighed and got off. "Now, time to chow…"

I heard cheering inside, and I walked in.

"Go, Sev!"

Seven was chugging mugs of…I sniffed. "Coffee?"

Seven looked at me from over her rim. "No wonder you like this coffee!" She finished the cup. "That's fifty." She stood up and stumbled over to me, smiling. "Hiya, Captain."

"Seven, what did I tell you about coffee?"

She walked off. I sighed. "Oh well…"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

The Intendant looked at me. "You look worse for wear."

I glared. "Shut up. Coffee, black."

"Unable to comply."

"Coffee, Black!"

"Unable to comply."

"What?"

"You are not allowed to have coffee."

I seethed with anger. "What can I replicate then?"

"Anything else."

I kicked it. "Fucked up replicator!" I kicked it until it flickered and turned dark.

"Ooh, dissed." The Intendant left. "See ya…if you want coffee."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"WHAT?" The Intendant yelled. "I want coffee, now!"

"Unable to comply."

"Who can have coffee?!"

"Seven of Nine."

The Intendant phasered it out of existence. "Chakotay, get me a new replicator."

"Yes, Intendant."

I looked at it. "What a waste." I sighed. "Captain Janeway to Seven, why have you-"

There was only static. I sighed again. "Smart Seven."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"What, Admiral?"

Admiral Paris sighed. "Well, you see, none of us at Starfleet can have coffee. The computer's locked us out. We can't trace it back."

"Well, Seven of Nine is the only one that can have coffee…hmmm."

"Well, hurry up, Captain!" He yelled. "I need my coffee!"

"Yes sir!" I closed the channel. "Well, there's always-"

The doors opened, and Chakotay ran in. "Pandemonium! Seven's gone crazy!"

"Crazy?"

He grabbed me. "She's naked and shooting everybody with a phaser!"

"Naked?" My eye twitched. "No way."

"Yes way! I know her cup size! It's an D!"

I sighed. "Only men would know." I raced off.

"Yours is a B!" He yelled after me.

I groaned and  saw the carnage. "Man, oh man, if Starfleet didn't get my Betsy…" I grabbed a rifle and followed the bodies.

"There you are!"

I turned and aimed. It was the Intendant. "Oh," I said, "it's you." I put it down. "Why are your men on my ship?"

"They were forced out."

I sighed. "Come on, we have to get Seven." I walked to the bridge, where she was naked, piloting Voyager to a wormhole.

"Hey, there's a ship coming out of there!" The Intendant yelled. "I'm saved!"

I poked her ribs with the rifle. "Seven, get away from the console!" I pointed the rifle at her.

She turned and fired. We both ducked.

"What's the plan, Captain?"

I looked at the Intendant. "You have a plan?"

"This is your ship!"

There was a bump and a grinding sound, and I took the chance to shoot Seven. She crumpled and I looked at the viewscreen.

"Hey, that's Picard's ship!" I yelled. "Oh man!"

There was a hail, and I ran over and opened the channel.

"This is Intendant Picard of the Klingon Empire. Surrender your weapons and your ship to me."

"Is that what you're taught?" I glanced over.

"Yep." She laughed. "Picard, you idiot. That's a fucked-up recording."

There was a flicker, and the real Picard came on. "Janeway!" He yelled. "I thought I sent you to a empty universe!"

"Oh so you sent me!" She leaned on the rail. "Well, then, chicken, this is war!"

I grabbed her arm. "No wars! Not in Federation space!"

"So that's the mirror Janeway. Such a weakling…" He laughed, and I seethed with anger.

"I'm not a weakling! I'm a starship captain! Bastard!" I went to the tactical console and launched photon torpedoes at his ship. "You're right, Intendant. This is war."


	8. Picard vs Janeway

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

A/N: The worst thing is C/7, BTW. No, here it never happened. And I keep forgetting to put the disclaimer on, blah, blah, blah.

Chapter Eight

Picard vs. Janeway and Tea vs. Coffee-What more can you get?

Q, I suppose…

Q appeared with a flash in my bathtub-_again_!

I threw the soap at him. "Go away. I'm busy."

He laughed. "With what, Kathy? War?"

I glared. "Yes, war, now _shut up_ and go annoy someone, like my future children or Picard!"

"Actually, I just came back from sending your past self to the future with your daughter." He shifted, and smiled. "That was very fun, actually."

I sighed. "Well, please go, I'm not in the mood to give you anything." 

"Okay…" He snapped and I sighed and sank lower into the bubbles.

"Stupid Q…" I closed my eyes, just for a sec, and three things happen.

One: The doors open.

Two: Someone splashes into my tub.

Three: Phasers are fired.

I opened them, and saw the Intendant in the tub and a person, probably dead, on the floor. "I'm taking a fucking bath!" I yelled to the Intendant, throwing the soap at her. (It fell back into the tub-I'd missed when I threw it at Q.)

She glared at me. "Well, if it wasn't for me, Picard would've killed both of us with his minion! Now I'm wet!"

"Good for you!" I beamed. "Now, out, and take him away, he clashes with the décor." I waved her off.

"So impolite," she muttered as she dragged the corpse away.

I got out of the tub, and the doors opened again, showing Chakotay in civvies. I quickly wrapped a towel around me. "Hi, Chakotay."

"You're wet." He leaned against the frame. "Why was the Intendant in the bath with you? Are you-"

"She fell in after one of Picard's guys chased her." I glared. "I'm not a fucking lesbian!"

He chuckled and pulled me into his arms. "Of course you're not, you love me!" He kissed me.

I deepened it, and the doors opened again.

"Ugh, peachy stuff." The Intendant bent down and got her rifle, then squealed.

The mirror Chakotay had nipped her armored butt, then stood up and whistled. The Intendant whirled to me.

"What the fuck did you do?"

I gave her a withering glance. "Nothing."

"Really?"

"Ask the mirror Chakotay."

She looked at Chakotay. "Did she do anything?"

"No, Intendant."

"Good. Let's leave this place." She left, and I turned to Chakotay with a smile.

He was looking at the bed, then to me. "Bed?" He asked.

"Bed's fine." I raced over there. "Last one is a core breach!"

"Oh no, you're not." He grabbed my towel and unraveled it. "Ha!"

I sat in bed. "Ha! Core breach!"

He pushed me down and got on top of me. "I'm going to have the last laugh."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

I woke up to the sound of Voyager rocking. "Red alert? Chakotay…" I looked down. He was snoring-_again._ I sighed and shook him. He opened his eyes.

"What? Oh-" He sat up and kissed me. "We better get dressed."

I got off and pulled my underclothes on. "You snore too much."

"I snore?" He was pulling his uniform on. "Really? I don't notice."

I glanced at him. "Yeah, you snore-on the bridge, at mess hall, in bed. You need to go to the doctor."

"Sure." He smiled. "Okay, Captain." He left, and I brushed my hair, putting ludicrous amounts of hair spray and mousse.

"Coffee, hot!" I yelled, getting the cup and running to the bridge. "Report!"

"The Enterprise-E and the mirror Enterprise are here, attacking us."

I glared. "Who would fire on their own ships? Oh, duh!" I smacked my forehead. "Picard."

The viewscreen changed, and Picard appeared. "It is moi, Picard!" He laughed.

"For a French guy, you sound so British!" I laughed, and sipped my coffee.

"Coffee?" He laughed. "Wow, how original. I should congratulate you, but now this is war…"

He fired on me.

"Well, there's that sissy tea of yours…what was it again? Earl _Shit,_ or something…"

The bridge crew laughed. Picard turned beet red.

"Janeway, you bitch…"

"Wow, I'm _soooooo_ scared!" I glared. "You're 74 and still not an Admiral!" I laughed. "Fire at Picard, please…"

Chakotay came in, and sat down. "What's funny?"

I looked at him. "Nothing."

"Wow, the famous Captain Janeway…sympathizing with the Marquis…such a _good, peachy heart_…" He made gagging sounds. "And the Marquis…they think they're heroes, killing Cardassians! Ha! They were cowards! They abandon Starfleet because they think they can do it all by their chicken selves!" He laughed, so hard that he doubled over.

Chakotay was seething, by the look on his face. I widened my eyes. "Chakotay?"

He ran up, kicked Tuvok away and took the tactical controls. "Bastard!" He yelled, and launched torpedoes and phasers at the Enterprise. All of them.

Their shields went down, and the link died. He then beamed himself off and all of the former Marquis members.

"Wow." I beamed myself off and appeared, seeing that they were beating up the Enterprise crew.

Chakotay the hardest-he was punching Picard into the wall, like a punching bag. I couldn't blame him-what Picard said about the Marquis and me was in his head, and feeding his anger. Avenging every Marquis member and his family was a noble cause.

"Chakotay!" I yelled.

He turned, with fire in his eyes and tears. "Kathryn?"

Picard escaped, and Chakotay came over and hugged me. "Oh, Kathryn…"

We were beamed off, and into the bridge.

"Captain?"

I let go. "Yes, Ensign?"

"Tuvok said that Chakotay had enough time in there."

"Oh, I see." I smiled. "Yes, he did."

Chakotay had fallen asleep on my shoulder, snoring.


	9. Kathryn Janeway’s Commentary: Paris & In...

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship_ _Crazy_

Chapter Nine:

Kathryn Janeway's Commentary: Paris & Intendant Janeway's Date

Kathryn Janeway: This is Kathryn Janeway, reporting from behind a counter in the mess hall, Chakotay filming and with B'Elanna to watch Tom Paris and the Intendant's date.

Chakotay: Kathryn, shut up, they're talking.

Paris: So, Intendant, what's the best part of your job?

Intendant: Being the ruler over the Sol system.__

Kathryn: Well, duh!

Chakotay & B'Elanna: Shh!

Intendant: Paris, what's with the poor treatment with the Captain, anyway?

Paris: Call me Tom, sweetcheeks.

_*Intendant is glaring while eating*_

Intendant: You didn't answer my question.

Kathryn: Well, I know. Paris is playing pranks on me…_*chuckles*_

Chakotay & B'Elanna: Shut up!

Paris: Well, she hates me, duh.

Intendant: Is that how you see it?

Paris: Yep.

Intendant: I see.

Paris: So, sweetcheeks, what's up in your world?

Intendant: Nothing, I suppose, since I'm here, with you.

Paris: No, I meant on your ship.

Intendant: Nothing.

_*Doors open, mirror Chakotay comes in*_

Intendant _*irritated*:_ Didn't I say that I wasn't supposed to be interrupted, Chakotay?

Mirror Chakotay: Yes, you said that, but there's been an attack on the ship. I brought some prisoners. Your action, Intendant?

Intendant _*beaming*_: Torture chamber, Chakotay. Use the electric chains.

Mirror Chakotay: Yes, Intendant. *Leaves*

Intendant: I'm going to have some fun…

Paris _*mouth full*_:Yep.

Kathryn: How disgusting.

Chakotay: Hear, hear.

B'Elanna: Stupid Tom…

Intendant: Paris?

Paris _*mouth full*: _What?

Intendant: Disgusting, I didn't have to see that.

Paris: What, this? _*opens mouth*_

Intendant _*mad*_: That's it, Paris. _*slams fork down and stands up*_ You're a Class-A Idiot. *looks directly at Kathryn's group and camera*

Kathryn: Uh-oh.

Chakotay: Yeah.

B'Elanna: Oh man…

Kathryn: I was talking about me. I'm going to blow!

Chakotay: Hold it, Kathryn!

_*Sneeze from Kathryn*_

Intendant: KATHRYN JANEWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _*rushes over to camera and smashes it*_

"Cover's blown!" I yelled. "Run!"

The Intendant grabbed my collar. "Why are you here? So you can see me have sex or something? Guess what? I hate Paris."

"Well, good. Now let me go."

"Not until I torture you!" She laughed.

The mirror Chakotay came in. "They're ready."

"Well, add her." She pushed me towards him.

"The spaces are full."

She groaned. "Oh great." She walked off, and I got off Chakotay.

"Sorry."

He left, and I slapped Paris, just for fun.


	10. Blast From the Future

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Voyager_

Chapter Ten

Blast from the Future

"Shut up!" She yelled.

"You shut up!" I yelled.

"Hey, it's your fault you didn't blow up Picard!"

"Fuck you!"

"My ship's in fucking disorder, why don't you go fuck Chakotay or something?"

"I have no fucking time to fuck Chakotay!" I yelled in my seat. She sat in Chakotay's seat. They were boxing in the Holodeck.

She glared. "Well, then." She turned and harrumphed. 

There was a flash of light.

"Oh, the ickle Janeways are arguing!" He snapped, and there was another flash.

"Okay, what the fuck did you do, Q?" She said.

There was a whistle from Paris. I looked at the woman there, in her underclothes, halfway through putting on her shirt.

Q had disappeared. I sighed. "Who are you?"

She put the shirt on. "I'm Kathryn Janeway, who are you?"

I sighed. "I'm Kathryn Janeway, and this is…um…"

"Kate Janeway, Intendant of the Sol system." She smiled.

Paris gazed at her. "And you can call me lover boy-"

She slapped him hard. "Um…I'll need some clothes…"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"I'm not a civilian!" Kate Janeway yelled. "I'm a Starfleet Captain! I rank above you!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Janeway or not, I have no idea who you are."

The Intendant looked at her. "She looks like you."

"Well, I don't know if she's my daughter or not. Or me." I sighed. "Well, can you prove that you're one?"

"Yeah, I can." She pointed to me. "You're Captain Kathryn Janeway. Lost in the DQ for 7 years, with Marquis crew."

"That doesn't prove anything else."

"Well, Q caught me when I was undressing." She sighed. "He has a fetish for my bras. And yours too. Count your bras each morning." She turned to the replicator. "Coffee, black, hot."

"How does she know?" I whispered to the Intendant. "Are you losing bras?"

"Yep." She crossed her hands on her chest. "I'm missing two."

"Hey, are you guys ignoring me?" Kate was waving to us. "I'm here, you know!"

I sighed. If this was my daughter…"I know!" I yelled. "I'm going to the mess."

"Then I'll come. I didn't have my dinner." She pulled on her clothes. "I really want my uniform."

"Where are you from?"

"The 25th century, duh." She sighed. "So incompetent."

The Intendant laughed. "Haha!"

Kate looked at her. "So are you! What's with the fucking armor? And that snobbish attitude!"

The Intendant turned red. "What did you say?"

"Snob!" She yelled. She skipped off to the turbolift and yelled "Mess Hall".

I sighed as the doors closed and then opened, with another empty turbolift. We got on.

"She's an ass."

I looked at the Intendant. "What?"

"She's a fucking asshole, Janeway." She sighed. "Don't worry about her."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Don't worry about her, don't worry about her!" I yelled. "You asshole, look at what you've done!"

"You didn't have to listen to what I said!" The Intendant yelled.

We were tied up in the mess hall. She was chewing gum and smiling.

"Okay…now, what are you doing?" The Intendant said.

"Oh, nothing." She just sat there. "I'm watching you guys, that's all. Let's see if you can get out of here."

"You tied us up to a chair!" I yelled.

"So?"

"We can't get out of here!"

She sighed. "You guys are sooo stupid." She smiled. "Well, have you figured it out?"

"No!"

Just then, Chakotay and Chakotay came out, and gaped.

"Kathryn?" both of them said. "You're not supposed to be here!"

The Kathryn from the future laughed. Chakotay (I have no idea which) gave her a glare.

"And what are you laughing about, who ever you are?"

"I'm Kathryn Janeway, 25th century. I tied them up," She said innocently. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, in a Holodeck!" I yelled.

"End program." Chakotay said.

We both fell to the floor. The Intendant started yelling at Kathryn.

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

She started putting her index fingers together. "Well, you're adults, and I'm only 30, so I decided that you guys wouldn't know the difference between the real thing and a hologram." She grinned.

"She's right," I said.

The Intendant spun. "What?"

"She's right. I certainly don't know what the difference between the real thing is." I got off the floor and walked out. "I'll be on the bridge if you need me."

"Just great!" She yelled. "You're an asshole too!"

"Good for you." 

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Picard, get your ass off my ship!" I yelled.

"I don't care!"

The Kathryn from the 25th century just sat there, playing with the yo-yo she replicated.

"Kathryn, help me…" I muttered.

She just gave me a glance. "Seriously, mother, I don't really give a damn. It's your obsolete ship."

She was calling me mother now. I wondered why.

Picard drew a phaser. "We duel now."

"Cards or phasers?" Kathryn asked. She was doing the cradle for the fifth time.

Picard blinked. "Cards? How do you duel with cards?"

"I can't tell you. It's that Temporal Prime Directive again." She put the yo-yo away and looked at us. "Backs to each other, and when I count to three, you walk, then fire."

We started walking, and she said "three"; I turned and fired, missing Picard. Picard didn't shoot.

"Okay…wow, bad aiming…" Kathryn stood up. "Have either of you guys played 'Chicken' before?"

Then she placed us in "cars", and we were supposed to go at a high speed towards each other. One would chicken out and swerve, crashing. I have no idea why this is happening.

"GO!" She yelled.

I pushed the accelerator down, and we sped towards each other. Then it disappeared, and we ended up in the Holodeck, standing.

"Whoa, Kathryn, what's up with that?"

I saw Q standing there.

"Q!" Picard yelled. "Get out of here!"

I sighed. "Okay, Q, get this Kathryn out, please…"

"She's my daughter anyway." He smiled.

I gaped. "She was a Q all along?"

Kathryn gaped. "I'm a Q? That's impossible, I'm a Starfleet Captain!"

"I'm your father." Q grinned. "She's from an alternative universe, where you accepted my offer."

"I accepted your offer?" I asked. I groaned. "What was she thinking?"

"Correction-you," Q said quietly. He snapped, and that Kathryn appeared, looking around.

"Q…." She said dangerously. "I'm in the middle of a war! You idiot!"

"Kathryn, meet Kathryn."

I stared. "You're an idiot for accepting."

She put her hands on her hips. "Well, you're an idiot, too!"

"How am I an idiot?"

"You rejected the offer, of course!"

The doors opened, and the Intendant came in, staring. "Okay, how many Janeways are there?"

"Count for yourself," Kathryn, her daugher, and I said at the same time.

"Well, there are four. I guess." She put her rifle up. "Now, leave, I have some hunting to do." Then she stared. "Better yet, don't. Stay still."

Picard yelped, and started running around in circles. Then a rock hit him in the head.

Who did it? I have no idea, but I bet it was the Intendant. Picard dropped to the floor, and the Intendant smiled.

"Thanks, Kathryn."

"No problem," she said. She winked at me, and I nodded.

Q snapped, and all there was left was the Intendant, Picard, and I.

A/N: If you're confused, so am I. How that's possible…he's Q!


	11. Seven's Coffee again

Kathryn Janeway of the _Starship Crazy_

Chapter 11

Seven's Coffee again…*groan from Kathryn*

The Intendant was kicking the replicator again. Her ship was in space dock, so she was stuck here.

"Fucked up replicator…"

I sighed. "Look, what's wrong?"

"See…Coffee, black."

"Make it yourself," The replicator said.

I groaned. "Not again…"

"Again?"

"Seven, stupid."

"I'm not stupid."

"Yes you are."

B'Elanna came over. "Damnit, the replicator won't give me coffee, either."

Chakotay came over and touched my shoulder. "You can try my coffee."

I took the cup, sipped it, and spat it out. "Ugh, it has sugar."

"Oops."

"B'Elanna, get a team to get these fixed. Chakotay, Intendant, you're with me."

"This is not an away mission!" She yelled.

"So?" Chakotay answered.

"Yeah…" I stopped. "Chakotay, that's my line."

"Oh…"

I looked in Cargo Bay Two and this is what I see…

Seven's gambling with Harry, Paris, Tuvok and the mirror Chakotay and their counterparts.

"THERE IS NO GAMBLING HERE!" I yelled, towering over them.

"Shut up!" They yelled.

I sighed. Damn it, I'm going to paint this ship tie-dyed if I don't get any sane thing on this ship.

The Intendant joined them. "Deal me in!"

I crashed to the floor. Chakotay was poking me. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

"Kathryn, this is not anime here…"

I stood up. "Yes, I know." I brushed off dust from my uniform. "Now, out!"

Chakotay was now dealing, and my right eye twitched. "Chakotay…"

"It's not for real things!" Seven yelled. "Join in!"

Creepy. I sighed and sat down. "Deal me in…"

B'Elanna ran in. "The replicator's working-" She bent over Paris. "IS THAT MY ONE-OF-A-KIND BAT'LETH?"

Paris turned. "Oh. I thought it was an-"

B'Elanna was strangling him. "You fucking husband…"

I sighed, and put my hand down. It sucked anyway. "Chakotay, what are you putting down?"

"Your bra."

My eye twitched harder. "MY BRA?" I yelled.

"It's okay, Kathryn, you have more." He put his hands up.

I started choking him as water poured down, drenching me.

The Intendant started laughing, and I threw B'Elanna's bat'leth at her.

"Hey, that's mine!" B'Elanna yelled.

"Wow, bra!" Paris yelled.

I snatched it from him. "That's mine."

"You wear a 38D?"

I dropped it. "No."

"She's a B," Chakotay said. (NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK)

I glared. "What's with my bra size?"

Cargo Bay 2 was filling up to our knees and going on.

"Bra!" The mirror Chakotay yelled.

"Mine!" B'Elanna, Seven, the Intendant, and I yelled. The men (all along) was betting with their girlfriend's/wife's bras. I never knew Chakotay was that perverted.

"It's a 34B!" He yelled. "And it's blue!"

"That's mine!" I shouted.

I heard a swish, and the water poured out, sweeping us with it.

"Hey, Paris, you fucking cheater!" The Intendant yelled. "Stupid-these are deuces!" 

Chakotay was hanging on to me, and my tunic went undone.

"Cool…" Chakotay said.

"Cool, coffee!" Seven yelled, pointing to the cup.

"Mine!" the Intendant and I yelled. I grabbed it and looked inside. "Ugh." I threw it behind me, and it hit her head.

"Fuck you, Janeway!"

"Fuck you!" I yelled, covering up my nakedness. Chakotay was still hugging my tunic. "Chakotay, give me my tunic back!"

He looked at me. "But I wanna!"

"Damnit, the Voyager's flooding!" B'Elanna yelled.

I found the shuttlebay, and swam to it, and erected a forcefield that let water out but nothing in. It swept to space.

"Thank god!" I yelled.

"Here." Chakotay handed me the wet tunic, and I put it on.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Ah-choo!" I sniffed. "Chakotay, why us?"

He looked at me. "I have no idea."

The Doctor looked at us. "Well, since that…water thing…you've gotten the common cold." He injected us with hyposprays. "Captain, you have to let off with the coffee."

"Oh shit."

"And Chakotay, watch her."

"Sure thing." 

We walked to our quarters, and I leaned against Chakotay. "You're going to let me have coffee, right?"

He ruffled my hair. "Maybe."

I sat in bed, and he pulled me closer. "Maybe not," I finished.

He chuckled and kissed me. "Or maybe after I'm done."

"We're sick!"

"So?"

I glared, and sneezed. "Damn, they should've conquered the common cold by now."

"Kathryn…" Chakotay was pining for me. Really pining.

"Shut up Chakotay." I lay down, and he brushed my cheek.

"Look, we'll get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay."

"Wait, Kathryn, there's something under you…" He reached under my butt (what a imaginative place!) and pulled out a camera.

"Cover's blown!" I heard Paris yell.

I growled, and stomped off to his quarters.

"Wait, Kathryn, YOU'RE NAKED!"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

I felt better, and got a cup of coffee, and went on the bridge.

"Report!"

"Nothing on sensors!" Kim said.

"No course change!" Tuvok yelled.

"Lovely captain aboard!" Paris stared at me. "Nice dress."

I glared, and he quickly turned. I sat down. "B'Elanna, get my replicator fixed please."

"Sure thing captain. And that dress looks good on you. Are you getting married?"

"No, the replicator gave me this when I wanted a uniform."

"Perhaps the replicator is sentient." Seven looked at me. "I fed each of them coffee as you asked."

I turned. "As I asked?"

"Yeah-Tuvok gave me your orders."

"Tuvok?"

"Yes, he said that you gave them the padds and told-"

"No, Seven, I was talking to Tuvok."

"Captain, you-"

"You know that I give out the orders!" I sighed. "The Intendant."

The Intendant came in. "Did someone say my name?"

I glared, and the replicators spewed out hot coffee everywhere.

"Oh no!" Chakotay yelled. We all fell to the floor. (Anime style)

"Chakotay! Are we that stupid?" I asked, towering over him.

"No…" He looked at me. "But I like it."

I sighed. Today was a bad day…


	12. She’s Lost it, Commander!

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

A/n: Figure out if Kathryn's lost her marbles or not…

(Kathryn: Marbles? Yeah, I still have them…*rummages around* Here they are! *holds up a bag full of isolinear chips*

Me: Um, that's chips, not marbles.)

Chapter 12

She's Lost it, Commander!

Chakotay was looking over me, as I was reading a padd, and coughed.

"Yes?" I looked up, and he smiled.

"Well, Enterprise is gone…so?"

"We get on with the mission, duh."

He laughed. "What mission?"

"The one Starfleet assigned to us."

"Huh?"

"Chakotay, did you read that padd?"

"What padd?"

This time, I was mad as hell. "CHAKOTAY, you idiot, the mission!" I slapped him, and he just left. Running.

I looked at my hand. "Oh well…"

The doors opened, and Kim came in. "Paris dumped water on me!"

"Who cares?"

He cried out loud and ran away, crying.

"Baby…"

Tuvok came in. "Report, Captain."

"I don't report, you do."

"Yes, that's what I said. Report."

"I'm your captain, and you report to me."

"Here's my report!"

"Why didn't you say so?" I grabbed it out. "Dismissed."

The Intendant came in later. "What's with the attitude, Janeway?"

I glared. "Go away."

"Don't tell me you're having PMS…"

"I am not!"

She sighed. "PMS. Get the doc…please…"

I grabbed her and put Betsy to her head. "I'm going to kill you right now…"

She looked at me. "Well…"

"Shut up!" I yelled.

"Oh my god, Janeway, you're bluffing."

I pushed it into her temple. "I'm not."

She laughed. "You can't kill me."

"Yes I can!" I yelled. "And I'm going to do it-"

She put her rifle at my chest. "Well, now?"

I glared. She laughed again.

"Stalemate. Now let me go."

I shot her, and she slumped to the floor. "Idiot."

"Captain!" Someone knocked on my door. "Captain, Picard-"

It snapped me. "Oh damn…" I looked at the slumped form of the Intendant. "Shit…" I raced outside. "Stun Picard's-" I ducked. "Chakotay…"

He looked at me. "Stupid…"

"I'm not stupid!"

"Yes you are. I'm the smartest and most logical person here," Seven said.

"Seven…" I said dangerously. "Who's the captain-" I ducked. "-Here?" I shot some down. "Get cover!"

"Hey, Kathryn, where did you put the grenades?" B'Elanna yelled.

I checked myself. "Oh my god, I've lost them!"

"She's lost them!" Chakotay yelled out loud.

There was a groan on both sides.

"Hey, this was a waste!" Picard said. "You're supposed to have plasma grenades!"

"Damn…" B'Elanna said. "Someone's a stupid person…"

I sighed…"I'm not stupid…"

And something hit me.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Here."

Chakotay put the cup to my lips and I drank. "Coffee?"

He looked at me. "Yeah, you haven't had any cups today."

I sighed. "This is going to be a long day…"

"Night."

"Day."

"It's 1800, Kathryn!"

I sighed. "Night…I'm a stupid captain."


	13. Paintballing Voyager! Yeay! And The Othe...

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

A/N: Chaotic Boredom: Here's Voyager as you requested… 

Chapter 13

Paintballing Voyager! (Yeay!) And The Other Side of Voyager…

Voyager was on a M-Class planet, looking for supplies.

I…I had my artist set out and started painting the scenery when something splattered on my canvas.

"Yeah, 3 points for the Captain's canvas!" Paris yelled, holding up a gun with blue and green splatters.

I turned. "PARIS! You bastard, what have you done-"?

"300 points for the Captain's window!" Kim yelled.

"Captain-" Paris stuttered.

"Where did you get that?" I yelled. "It's kawaii!" (Kawaii means cool in Japanese)

"Here!" The Intendant threw me a gun and a helmet. "Let's go paint Voyager!"

"Yeay!" I yelled, running over to Voyager, shooting everywhere. My paintballs happened to be tye-dyed.

"Captain, wait!" Chakotay came over, and I turned, shooting him in the…groin. "Ouch…shit…"

I took the helmet off. "Chakotay, oh my god, I'm really sorry!" I bent down to him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I'm fine."

"300000 Points for hitting Chakotay!" Paris yelled.

"Oh, okay. Report." I smiled.

"The ship's okay, but it's all paint splattered. Is that washable?"

I looked at the ship. "Just how I like it. Now, someone find the beacons, and we'll be on our way."

"Uh, captain?"

"Yes?" I looked at Kim.

"You covered them up."

"I did?"

"Yeah, because I can't find them."

I sat on a rock, and groaned. "Is it washable?"

"No, Captain."

"Get some scrapers, we're going to scrape this damn paint off."

*Three hours later*

I sat in the ready room, staring at the window.

Chakotay came in. "We found the beacons!"

"Yeay!"

"But we can't leave."

"Why?"

"We're stuck."

"Why?"

"Because, the paint dripped and stuck to the ground and we cant get up without breaking apart the hull."

"Damn." I sighed. "Did you scrape the paint off?"

"Part of it."

I stood up and got some barrels of water. "We might as well make the paint wet and then scrape it off."

The Intendant came in. "What's with the water?"

"I'm going to get the paint off."

"Oh, okay."

I went outside and dumped the water on Voyager, and the paint came off, but the ship short-circuited and died.

"Bloody hell!" I yelled. "Why me?!"

The Intendant looked at the ship. "Wow, sleepover!"

=/\=

I lay in a sleeping bag, looking at Chakotay beside me. "What was it that you said about my bad luck?"

"You have bad luck."

"Why?"

"Because you're so…um…" He got out of his bag and got on top of me. "Unyielding." He kissed me hard, and licked my mouth.

"Chakotay!"

He looked at me. "Come on…"

I glared, and he just fell asleep there, on me. I looked at where the Intendant was, and she was having sex. Great. I sighed and ran my fingers in his hair.

"Stand up."

Picard was over me, pointing his gun at me. "Get up, you slut. Hey, that rhymes!"

"Flan!" Kim yelled. Picard dropped his gun and ran off, finding it.

Crusher, however, snatched it away. "NO flan for you, mister."

"Why, Beverly?" He asked.

"You're a fat assed captain."

I laughed hard and long, and wiped a tear from my eye, high fiving Crusher.

"Great line!" I yelled.

"Hell yeah!"

Picard was pouting on the ground. "Wahhh, I want some flan!"

Then something hit Picard, and he slumped on the ground.

"Five million points for hitting the bald guy!" Kim yelled. "I win!"

Then I looked at Voyager, and it was all wet with paint. My eye twitched with anger.

"ALL HANDS! KILL PARIS AND KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then someone pulled my pants down. I turned and tripped.

"Wow, wear a belt next time." The Intendant looked down upon me, and I grabbed her leg and pulled it.

"You're an asshole." I got up and pulled my pants up. 

Chakotay came over. "Um, Kathryn…"

I turned, and tripped, again, pulling his pants down.

"Hey, you're not wearing undies!" I yelled.

He pulled his pants up quickly. "Okay, okay, I admit it, I DON'T HAVE UNDIES!"

I laughed. "Okay, Chakotay, what were you going to say?"

"The warp drive is down. That's the only thing we can't fix."

I groaned. "Shit, shit, shit…"

Chakotay looked at Voyager. "How about-"

I sighed. "Go ahead, do what you want…" I sat down and watched the repairs.

=/\==/\==/\=

"Yep, I had sex with Paris…" I laughed, drunk. "Lovely thing it was…"

The Intendant laughed and slammed her glass down. "Paris, another shot!"

Seven glared and gave her a shot. "I'm not Paris, for the 1000th time."

"Who cares!?" Troi yelled. We all laughed.

Voyager was now flying in space, tye-dyed again by us, drunk with whisky.

"Hey, Janeway, wanna sleep with me?" Riker swaggered towards me.

"Na, I have-" I took a swig. "Commander Tattoo Boy with me…Hey, Tatt Boy, come over here!"

Chakotay glared, and missed the corner, eyes unfocused. "Shut up, Janeway."

"Okay, honey buns." I stood up and walked to the holocouch and lay down. "See you in the morning…"

Chakotay slammed his stick down and grabbed me. "Didn't I tell you to shut up, Janeway?"

I grinned. "Okay, Chakotay. Hey, that rhymes!"

He was going to punch me, but he fell down, out cold. Everything turned black.

=/\==/\==/\=

"What's with the hangover?" I groaned, vomiting again and flushing the fucked-up toilet.

"Yeah-" Chakotay vomited up in the sink.

I stood up, wiping my mouth. "Lets go get Picard…"

"Wasn't Picard out because Kim hit him in the groin?"

Then I remembered…"Didn't I say kill Kim and Paris?"

"Yeah, why?"

I covered my mouth. "Oh my fucking god, we left them on that planet!"


	14. Will the Real Janeway Stand Up?

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

Chapter 14

Will the real Janeway please stand up?

Chakotay tapped my shoulder, and I turned and looked into his eyes. "Yes, honey?"

"Um…the Doctor wants to see you…"

"Why?"

He looked at his padd. "Um, because you missed his checkup for the hundredth time."

I sighed and walked to sickbay.

"Oh there you are!"

I sighed as he started prodding me. "Hurry up, please…"

He handed me a cup. "Please drink."

I looked inside. "What is it?"

"Coffee."

I sniffed it. "Is it black?" I looked up as the doctor spun around. "What's behind you?"

"Nothing, nothing at all."

"It better not be sugar." I drank it. "There, now what?"

"Janeway to Tuvok-er-Tuvok to Janeway."

"Yes?"

"We're ready to beam aboard."

"Okay." I got off. "See you Doc!" I walked to the room and stood on the pad. "Energize."

I was beamed off to the planet.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Yeah, what?" I looked at the tricorder.

"Wait-did you beam off?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're still on the pad!"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I sighed. "Beam me up."

I was beamed up, and I went to Chakotay. "What?"

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Yeah?"

"Weren't you just beamed up?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're still here! With another one."

I pounded my head on the panel. "Clones-I hate clones!" Then I looked up. "The Doctor. Wait till I mess his matrix up…"

Chakotay looked at me. "Yeah, plus now there more clones."

I looked up. "I'm the real Janeway, right?"

"No I am!" They yelled.

I got a marker and marked my sleeves up. "Okay, now you know who the real Janeway-"

"Hi!" Paris yelled. "Who wants to date me?"

"Me, me!" They yelled.

"No-they're mine!" The mirror Paris yelled.

"No, they're mine!" Kim yelled.

"No, they're mine!" the mirror Kim yelled.

Chakotay looked at me, then led me away. "It's okay, Janeway."

I looked around, then sighed. "Yeay-"

My pants were pulled down. "-It's over."

Chakotay then pulled on my bra strap. "Cool."

I got out a two by four and slapped him on the head. "Pervert." I pulled my pants up.

I heard footsteps, and saw all of the Janeway clones run from the men. I pulled Chakotay. "Come on-"

"Can I pull on your bra strap?"

"You can pull it all you want-but run!"

I saw the Intendant and the mirror Chakotay kissing in the Jeffries tubes, and grabbed them. "Come on!"

"Why?" The Intendant asked.

"Because there're Janeway clones!"

The mirror Chakotay grabbed her and we ran to the shuttle bay, and sat down. 

"Thank god…" I muttered.

"Amen!" The Intendant said. "So, how did it happen?"

"Doctor."

"I feel sorry for you."

"Shut up." I sat on Chakotay's lap.

She smiled, and kissed the mirror Chakotay again. I just hugged my Chakotay close.

"Go away!" I heard, and looked up. The Janeways were here, blocking out the men.

I groaned. "I wanna get rid of these people…"

Chakotay nuzzled my neck. "Okay, what ever you say."

The Doctor rushed in. "Kathryn, I put the wrong thing in your coffee!" He looked at all of us. "Which one is the real Janeway? Will the real Janeway please stand up?"

Which confused us more.

"I am!" I yelled.

The Doctor came over. "Well, I was supposed to give you a vaccine, but I gave you cloning solution."

"Then get rid of them!" I yelled.

"Okay." He snapped, and they all left. The Doctor gave me the vaccine, then left. "See you Kathy."

I grabbed him. "Q!"

The doctor disappeared and Q smiled. "How did you find out?"

"Kathy."

"I see. Well, what's up?"

I punched him in the groin, then kicked his ass out of there. "And GOOD RIDDANCE!" 

There was a note on my sleeve.

_You've been poisoned. Please sleep with me, and I'll cure you. Q._

I sighed. "Kathryn!"

She appeared with a flash. "Not again…" She snapped. "There, you're cured."

"Thanks."

"No problem. And dad?"

"Yeah?" Chakotay asked.

"Don't pull on her bra strap. Q hates it when men do that-he wants to do it himself."

"Pervert," We both said as she left.


	15. Coffee Shortage

Kathryn Janeway…oh what the heck, you know…

Chapter 15

Coffee Shortage…

I pounded the replicator. "Where's my fucking coffee?"

Chakotay pulled me away from it. "Now, Kathryn, it's not the replicator's fault."

I glared. "Shut up. I want my coffee!"

Chakotay sighed. "Why not tea?"

"Tea is for sissies."

"I mean regular tea."

"It's still for sissies."

The ship lurched, and the lights dimmed. I raced over to the bridge. "Report!"

"It's the Borg, Captain!" Kim yelled.

"Shields up!"

"What's all the fuss?" The Intendant yawned. "And the horrible green lights! What a decoration freak."

"They're aren't mine!" I yelled. "Chakotay, it's not Christmas!"

He groaned, and took out the lights.

"What's with the cube?"

"That's the Borg. Do you have any coffee with you?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

"Hey, do they have coffee?"

"I think so. Kim, hail the Borg ship!"

"We are the Borg. You will be assimilated."

"Hey, do you have coffee?" The Intendant asked.

"Sure. Would you like some?"

"I'm Intendant Janeway, and I really want some coffee."

They beamed a big bag at our feet. "Enjoy!"

And they went off.

"Weird." I looked at the screen 

The Intendant looked inside. "You try it."

"No, you try it."

"I insist."

I sighed and made a cup. "Here goes…"

I sipped it, then fainted.

***

(Chakotay's POV)

The Captain, thank the spirits, woke up. She then looked around.

"Voyager!"

"Yeah. It's the Voyager, Captain." I smiled. "What do you want?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm the Borg Queen, and I will assimilate you!" She grabbed my neck, and lifted me up.

"Chakotay!" The Intendant yelled.

"I'm…fine!" I yelled back. "Get Tuvok! And don't drink that coffee!"

"Yeah, I know."

Kathryn-The Borg Queen, squeezed harder. "Tell me the codes!"

I gagged. "Let go, and I will."

She let go, dropping me to the floor. I rubbed my neck, then ran for dear life.

"You wont get away!" She yelled. I kept running until I got to the bridge and sat in the chair.

"Hey, Chuckles, what's up?"

I looked at the Intendant. "Identity crisis."

"That's Kathryn, all right." She sat down. "Computer, erect a forcefield around sickbay."

"She might've escaped." I looked at her.

"Yeah, you're right. Where would she go?"

There was silence, and everybody said the same thing.

"Cargo bay two!"

I ran to the turbolift, and went up to the deck, phaser aimed.

"Really, what's over there?" The Intendant said. "Besides Borg alcoves…great, Captain Janeway's going to assimilate everybody…" She sighed. "I knew that this was going to be trouble…"

There was a scream, and I turned looking at a drone (drone?) taking one of the red shirted ensigns away.

"Yeah, what was that?"

"Drone."

"Cyborg?"

"Duh."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, we better find her before we're all one. I sure don't want that black stuff in my body."

B'Elanna came up to me. "They're hurting the poor warp core!"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "Warp cores cannot be hurt."

The EMH came over and smiled. "I got an antidote!"

"Yeay!" The Intendant yelled. "Come on-"

"You idiot!" I yelled. "They found us!" I started running…

The drones blocked my way, and grabbed me, dragging me to the Cargo Bay.

(Intendant's POV)

Chakotay hugged me close. "Don't worry, Kate." He kissed my cheek. "They're not going to find us."

"I hope so." I kissed his tattoo. "It's too quiet."

Chakotay looked at me. "Yes, it is."

We got up and went to the bridge. "Green lights…"

"Yeah…what did the Captain say about them?"

"They're Chakotay's."

"But-"

"Yeah…why would he-"

There was a laugh, and Captain-The Borg Queen-stood there, smiling.

"How do you like it?"'

I gagged. "Like? It's horrible!"

The grin got wider. "I think they're lovely, don't you think Chakotay?"

Chakotay was strapped to a table.

"I hate them!" He yelled.

The Captain slapped him. "Shut up, Chakotay."

I kicked her with my boot. "You're an idiot!"

She spun and grabbed my collar. "You have no-"

I slapped her. "Ha!"

She didn't seem fazed, and squeezed my neck hard. "Die, Janeway, Die!"

(Intendant: Um, that second die isn't supposed to be capitalized.

Kathryn: Oh.)

"Die, Janeway, die!" She yelled.

"Take this!" The Doctor yelled, and he put a hypospray to her neck. I fell down, massaging my neck.

"Damn, what a grip she has!"' I yelled.

(Kathryn's POV)

"Ow…"

I sat up, massaging my head. "What happened? Why are there phasers aimed at me?"

Chakotay put his down. "What's your name?"

I sighed. "Kathryn Janeway, you idiot!"

He kissed me. "Thank god…"

"What was that-"

The Intendant slapped me. "That's for choking me that hard!"

I glared. "Well…" I slapped her. "There."

She grabbed me and slammed me to the wall, shattering chemicals. "You fucking bitch!"

I slipped back into darkness…

(insert suspense music) 


	16. She's Lost it Part Two

You know…

Chapter 16

She's lost it Part 2

"Damn, what's that noise, Chuckles?"

He lifted his head up from his pillow. "I have no idea."

I groaned and punched my pillow. "They better keep it quiet!" I lay down, and Chakotay kissed my cheek.

"Come on, Kathryn…"

I got up and went to the source of the noise.

"Dog Pile!"

The doors opened, and everybody slammed into me.

"What the fuck is happening?" I yelled, getting out. "Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!"

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…" The Intendant looked at me. "Aren't you a Barbie?"

I grabbed her collar. "Shut up and have the party later."

"Chill, Captain!" She smiled. "Come on-"

I glared, and her face grew…worried. "Um, Kathryn, your eyes are red…"

"I don't give a damn!" I slammed her to the bulkhead. "Now, you break the party up or I'll kill you!"

"Okay, okay!"

I let go and walked off to the quarters. Chakotay sat up.

"Kathryn, you look like the devil, you know?" He didn't smile.

I got into bed and snuggled close. "I don't care."

"Oh god…"

"What?" I muttered.

"Tomorrow, if you wear black leather…oh I'm going to kill myself."

"No, I won't."

I walked onto the bridge, wearing sunglasses and black leather. Don't ask why.

Okay, okay, if you want to know, I have red eyes, fangs and a slight aversion to light. I'm a fucking vampire!

Chakotay shot himself with a rifle, poor guy. I stood over his body.

"I thought he was joking." I bent down and felt for a pulse. "Oh. He was."

"Captain, should we take him to sickbay?"

"I'll do it myself." I carried him to the turbolift.

"What's with the dress, Janeway?"

I turned. "Nothing. I felt…like I should dress up like the people in the Matrix."

"I have to tell you, you don't look good in black."

"Well, you don't look good in armor either." I turned and went inside sickbay. "Activate the EMH."

"Captain, how nice to see you."

I placed Chakotay on the bed, then left without a word.

"Captain?"

I turned back. "Yes?"

"What's wrong with you?"

I turned, leaving. "It's nothing."

The mirror Chakotay bumped into me. "Captain?"

I looked at him, and smiled. "Yes?"

"You're needed on the bridge. It's Picard!"

I walked over there. "Picard, what do you want?"

He laughed. "What a moron!"

"Fire! Evasive maneuvers! Who's the moron now?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Picard's ship went dead. Yeay! The Intendant looked at me.

"Good job, Miss Gothic."

I grabbed her throat, and moved as to rip her throat out, but someone took my hand.

"Captain, you should take a nap."

I turned and pushed Paris to the console. "Shut up Paris!"

Someone knocked me out. "Just great," I muttered.

"Kathryn…"

"Chakotay?" I murmured.

"Wake up!"

"I can't…what happened?"

"Come on…the Doc didn't knock you out for nothing!"

The Doc looked up. "Actually, your DNA mutated, caused by plot changes coffee shortages, and the Intendant."

"Hey!" She yelled.

He gave a glare at her, and she slunk away. The Doctor turned to me. "You're human now. You may go."

I looked at him then shook my head. "Yeah…"

Weird.


	17. Plushies! or Christmas

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy…or Kathryn Janeway tye-dyes Voyager….or Kathryn Janeway kills Picard…or

(Intendant: Shut up!

Kathryn: That isn't nice, Kate.

Intendant: I don't care!)

Chapter 17

Chakotay Plushies! (Christmas!)

Chakotay was decorating the mess. 

Was. He was now a plushie on the floor.

Well…back to when I was getting coffee…I had heard a pound, and went to investigate. 

And the Intendant went with me.

She was chewing gum, which annoyed me.

"So, what's wrong again?"

"The ship's quiet…" I sighed. "Listen, not chew."

She took it out and stuck it under Seven's console, and picked up a plushie. "Captain, look at this."

I looked at it. "Don't squeeze it!" I took it from her and scanned it. "Hmmm…it's just a plushie."

She was gone. I sighed and ran to the bridge, where she was playing DDR.

I threw the tricorder at her. She stopped.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Um, we're alone in the middle of space?" I sighed, and picked up the plushies on the floor, then stacked them on my chair.

"Chakotay's missing."

I turned, and smacked her. "I know that!"

"Then why were you staring at Tom's plushie?"

"I wasn't."

She gave up and stomped off. I went to the mess and saw Chakotay on the table. With a pot of coffee. I picked up Chakotay. He was cute…I mean, as a plushie, he was cute with the black eyes and the uniform…I put it in my phaser holster, with his head poking out.

There was a squeal, and I looked down…

That plushie was moving! I took it out, and it fell limp in my hands.

"Oh shit…"

I placed Chakotay sitting down on the table, hands limp. I sighed.

"Q!"

He appeared. "Kathy, why is it always me?"

I grabbed him. "Change everybody back!"

"But-"

"Change them!"

He disappeared, then reappeared. "I didn't do it, I swear!"

I sighed, and sat down. "Then who did?"

"I don't know-I wasn't watching!"

I slapped him for good measure, and left, taking Chakotay with me. "This is dumb."

I kinda felt his head move. 

"Yeah, it is."

I went to sickbay-and the holodoc was a plushie too. I picked him up and put him on the bio bed, then sat down on the floor.

"This sucks ass."

The Intendant came in and dumped all of the plushies. "There."

I kicked her. "Idiot, when they turn back, they'll be stuck here!"

She punched me, and I sighed, running to my room.

"I hate this." I punched at the walls. "Damn."

I placed Chakotay on the bed, then kissed his tatt. I turned and started towards the replicator.

"That was nice."

I turned. "Chakotay!" I hugged him.

"Kathryn…" He kissed me, then embraced me. "I missed you."

There was a beep, and I looked at the clock. "Oh my god, I forgot, it's Christmas!"

"All I want is you."

"But what about the others?" I started replicating things, then sending them off.

"Merry Christmas, Kate."

"Merry Christmas, Chakotay."

We kissed.

***

"Yeah…I had sex with Paris-hic!" I said, grinning insanely, holding up my 15th cup of nog.

Chakotay kissed me. "Good…"

"Chakotay, that's my-hic-girl!" Paris yelled, waving his stick around.

I just smiled. "Yeah, right, Paris."

Drunk again for Christmas…my mom wouldn't be happy with me right now…


	18. Trelane and that thing he gave Janeway

A/N: does anybody know what happened to Voyager on UPN?

*bonks ex. Of UPN*

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

Chapter 18

Captain Proton Chapter 100:

Return to Bride of Chaotica!

"Captain, don't fuss!"

I kicked out at Paris, who was pulling my skirt down. "Fuck!" He yelled as my kick broke his nose.

"Humph."

Paris slammed into the controls, and everything flashed through, stopping at Fair Haven.

In front of Michael Sullivan.

"Katie O'Claire? Why are you dressed up as a prostitute?"

I slapped him. "Bastard."

He grabbed a wine bottle and slammed it on the table. "I had enough of you!"

I gulped. "Food Fight!"

Everybody was throwing food now, and I escaped.

"End program!"

The program ended, but it ended up in the Borg program Seven devised.

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

I screamed, and the program switched to Chakotay's boxing one.

"Hey, is that Chakotay's wife there?"

The program flickered into the gothic novel, and I sighed.

"End-"

"My dear that will not be good for you."

I turned. "And who are you? Q?"

He bowed deeply with a flourish. "General Trelane of Gothos."

I slapped him. "Idiot. Change it back!"

He took off his glove and slapped me. "You're not very nice." He then snapped, and I was out in space.

"You bastard!"

He sighed. "Captain, I don't really want you to do this to me…"

I grabbed him. "I hate you! Now-"

He snapped, and I was put in Q's "world".

"Kathy! Nice to see you…" He tried to embrace me but I hit him on the head with a mallet.

"_Q! What the hell are you doing to me?" _I yelled.

Q sighed. "Trelane!"

He appeared, and I punched his groin. "Ass."

Trelane grabbed me and kissed me. I pushed him away and slapped him.

"Ass hole!"

Trelane sighed. "Oh dear…"

He snapped. I ended up in the mess, with coffee in my hand.

"Cool…" I sipped it…

***

"So, so I fucked Chakotay…" I sipped the coffee. "This is good…"

The Doc just stared at me. "Shut up, Janeway."

I narrowed my eyes. "Whatever, mi amigo."

"Yeah…" The Intendant put her arm around my shoulder. "You should listen to her."

Chakotay stared at me. "Captain, what the hell did you take today?"

"Nothing, love…"


	19. That Coffee thing

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

Chapter 19

That Coffee Thing…um…

"Ugh."

I woke up with a headache, and in sickbay. "Why am I here?"

The doctor came over and scanned me. "Oh good, that Irish coffee that Q gave you…"

"IRISH COFFEE? That fucking bastard!" I got out and hit the force field. "Doctor!"

"Coming!"

I sighed. "Force field down!"

It switched off and I stomped out of sickbay.

"Wait, Captain!"

I turned. "What?"

"Um…" He snorted.

"What is it now?"

He started laughing, and I gave up and walked off to my quarters.

"Stupid Trelane. Stupid Q. Coffee, black, hot."

It died out, and I kicked it with my boot. "Asshole replicator."

I sat down. Stupid plot holes.

(Me: Kathryn!

Kathryn: Yeah, what?

Me: Stay with the script!)

Chakotay came in and kissed me softly. "You're lovely."

"Yeah, after getting drunk…"

"I don't mind." He went to the replicator. "Whisky."

My eyes widened. "What are you doing, Chakotay?"

"I'll play you, Kathy."

"Play me what?"

"Poker."

***

"Shit…" I muttered, drinking the whole bottle.

Chakotay leaned against me. "Lovely, isn't it?" His fingers ran through my hair, and his breath smelled like whisky.

"It is…" I leaned against him, running my hands over his body, stopping at his abdomen.

He fondled my breasts, and I moaned in pleasure…

***

I vomited with out pleasure. I flushed the toilet, and groaned as the water hit me.

"Asshole…"

Chakotay came in and vomited in the toilet, and leaned against me.

"Asshole."

We both smiled, and washed up, together in the bathtub.

"Chakotay, what of the ship?"

"What about that?"

"Nothing."

I snuggled close, and he wrapped his hands around me, kissing my hair.


	20. Fluff, yeay

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

Chapter Twenty

Fluff. Janeway's fluff.

"Goddamn, what did you do?"

"Look, you bitch-"

I slapped her. "You destroyed my warp drive! We're at the mercy of-"

"Hahahah! It is I, Picard!"

I groaned. "Picard, you sob, go away."

Then he shot at us.

"Picard!" I yelled. I was hiding behind my seat.

"Take this, Picard!" The Intendant shot Picard, and he crumpled down.

"Yeah!" I high fived her.

"Captain…"

We were thrown into the brig of the Enterprise.

I smacked my head on the wall. "Stupid…"

"Shut up, Janeway, so I can get us out." She had a hair pin.

"Hey, that's my hair pin!"

"Too bad."

She started picking the electronics. I groaned, and pushed her away. "You're doing it all wrong-this is the line-"

I blacked out.

***

I woke up, in a bed. Picard stood over me. I punched his lights out.

"Pervert." I got up and walked around his room. "Wow."

I put his stuff in my pockets, then walked out.

"Captain."

I turned. "Commander Riker. Good to see you again."

He was sweating, and his eyes flickered to my…um…ass. "Can…I…touch-"

There was a smack, and he fell. Troi was holding a bat.

"Don't you ever think that again!" She left.

"Um…yeah…" I bumped into the Intendant.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Nothing."

"What are you hiding?"

I took out everything in my pockets. "There, happy?"

She sighed. "That is worthless. Look at what I found!"

She dragged…Data.

"That's an android!"

"Yeah, so?"

"That's a Starfleet officer!"

"So what?"

"You asshole, that's not property!"

"So?"

I slapped her. "Asshole."

(Beltran: Stop doing that.

Mulgrew: But I like it.)

Chakotay came over. "Should we beam back?"

"Um…not yet." I placed the stuff in his hands. "Can you take this back?"

"Captain…"

"Maquis, loot this place."

He grinned. "Yes, Captain!"

And he kissed me, softly.

"Okay, Chakotay. Let's rock!"

***

"Man, I'm starved."

"Yeah. Dinner?"

"Sure."

Then I saw Picard, with two black eyes and limping. "Janeway…"

"Picard…" I sighed. "You're just too weak."

He shot Chakotay with a phaser. "Asshole…"

I tackled him to the bulkhead, and punched his groin.

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Hey, look at this!" The Intendant was carring the warp core. "I got a replacement for you."

"No!"

"Beam me up, Scotty!" I yelled.

"Wow, we're good to go!" I yelled, klinking drinks with Chakotay.

"Yeah! And we can sell this to Quark!" He held up a jewel.

"No!" I grabbed it. "We're keeping it."

"Um…Kathryn?"

"Yeah?"

"You look weird. Really pale."

"Really?" I got closer and took off my top. "Well, how about you make me better?"

"Sure…"


	21. Um more fluff

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager

Chapter 21

Detective Conan, Kate the Q, and DDR

"Kathryn, there's a little kid on the bridge."

I woke up and looked at the kid standing there, looking at me.

"Aren't you Janeway?"

"Hey…" I racked my brain, full of manga and anime, and looked at him. "Detective Conan! That little kid."

"I'm not a kid, I'm a man. Stuck in a boy's body. Do you have DDR?"

"DDR?" I looked at Chakotay. "What's that?"

"It's probably the game Seven's been playing."

"Why don't you run along and maybe you'll find the game." I patted his head and pushed him along. "Goddamn kid."

"I heard that!" Conan yelled.

There was a flash, and Q- that bastard Janeway from another universe who's a hoe who mothered a Q-came.

"Tisk, tisk, Janeway, what's with your manners?"

"Why don't you shut up?"

"Why don't you stuff your face with pie, pig?" She pushed me.

"Don't push me." I stood and pushed her back.

"Kathryn…"

I pushed Chakotay down, and punched the Q.

And there was pumping music.

"Wow, what a beat!" Paris yelled.

"Yeah!" Kim yelled back. "Come on, Tuvok."

He sighed. "I have-"

But they pulled him in. The Q punched me.

"Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Motherf*cker!"

"HOE!"

"Girls!" Chakotay yelled.

"Get out of this!" We both yelled.

"Captain, there's a…J-pop anomaly ahead." Seven tapped my shoulder.

"J-pop? What's that?"

"Japanese pop. It was popular in the 21st century with Japanese people, singing to Utada Hikaru or something."

"Paris…"

He was out of his station, and we plowed through it.

"Fuck!"

The Q had disappeared. I sighed. What now?

Chakotay necked me, and I pulled him away.

"Kathryn…" He licked my neck.

"Chakotay, you're out of line…"

"Hey, Captain, look at this great…" Torres said.

I looked up, and pulled away from Chakotay. "What?"

"This is DDR. This boy's been looking for it."

It was a large machine. I stepped on it. "What do I do?"

"Step on the arrows," Conan said.

I stepped on the arrow, and a shock came on me, and I fainted.

Bastard.

***

"Mmm?"

I woke up, and Chakotay smiled.

"How's the coffee?" I muttered. "Get Starbucks…"

"Starbucks? What's that?"

I shook my head. "Nothing." I got a coffee and sipped it. "Where's the party?"

"The DDR machine was…good. I loved it. Too bad you missed it."

"I'm going to go and play on it…"

"No, you can't, the nanoprobes-"

I assimilated him. Rather, inject the nanoprobes into his neck. It shut him up.

"Good night, Chakotay."

He mumbled something. "…my queen…"

I kissed him, then left.


	22. Borg ATTACK!

Kathryn Janeway of the Starship H4Xor

Chapter…Chapter…um…

(Beltran: 22!

Mulgrew: Shut up, Beltran, tis not 22!

*Beltran covers mouth of Mulgrew* It is so!)

What the Hell! Chakotay…um…Chakotay…screw this, I'm not being paid enough!

*Borg interrupts*

We are the Borg. We will supply you with a narrator if you join the collective.

Me: ……we don't need a narrator.

Russell *necking author*: Oh…

Me: ……Russell, what the hell?

Russell: I really love you, so why do you leave me out?

Me: Because you're already in half of my stories and I don't want to seem like a snob.

Borg: What are you doing, Human?

Me: Um…sorry. I was doing human courtship. Would you like seeing under my top? *takes off top, winks at Russell*

Russell: Mmm… *fondles them…*

Borg: Overload…overload…

*Borg die*

Me: Russell, stop. Russell…asshole!

Russell: Sorry.

Captain's starlog…Stardate…um…Chakotay!

600022.q034

Oh…wait…

60022.03

Yeah…okay…so, I inserted the nanoprobes, and now Chakotay always calls me Queenie now. Queenie…umm, Chakotay…

Yes, my Queen?

I'm your girlfriend.

I know that.

What's with the Queen?

I'm part of your collective now.

Borg speak is not good.

My Queen, there is a-

Chakotay, my name's Kathryn.

Your designation is Kathryn, but you are superior to me.

I'm the fucking captain…

"Chakotay, what is wrong with you?"

"Nothing, my systems are functioning correctly."

"Systems? When did you call yourself systems?"

"On-"

I shook my head. "Chakotay, shut the hell up."

"Yes, my queen."

I sighed and walked off, bumping into the Intendant.

"Hello."

She snarled, and I slapped her.

"Stupid asshole." She turned and left.

Russell: You will join the Collective.

Me: Asshole! *kicks the nuts of Russell*

Russell: Resistance is futile.

Me: I get stuck with a Borg for a boyfriend. Yay.

J.T: The genius to the rescue! *bumps into wall*

Me: Genius *coughs moron*

Russell: Resistance is futile. Your-

Me: Shut up, asshole. *sticks sock in mouth*

J.T: Let's see…plasma grenade…Borg Buster! Yay-

Me: No, J.T, that's not-

Mulgrew: Um…back to the story? I'm not getting paid to sit through a commercial. Makeup!

Beltran: But I like it…it's realistic…

McNeill: I'm leaving for a shake, who's coming?

Everybody except Mulgrew and Ryan: Yeah!

Ryan: Um…Kate, behind you.

The Borg have invaded the station…and the Janeway of the past is here…

Kate: What the hell are you doing?

Janeway *quickly puts away powder and makeup*: Oh, sorry…

Me: Um…let's use a…

Janeway: My makeup?

Kate& I: No!

Kate: God, you're so vain…

Janeway: Look at you! You're so…fat.

Kate: …

Me: Okay, okay, shut up. We're not here to debate.

Kate: Okay. Well, my professor says to use a Starfleet phaser.

Janeway: *getting out big guns* We're using this.

Intendant: No, we're not.

Mulgrew: Those are fake.

Ryan: …Kate, what?

Mulgrew: They're going to use props to defeat the Borg-the real Borg.

Janeway: For your information, they are real.

Me: Um…I'll leave. I have to save my friends…

J.T.: No, I'm here. I just used a Jaffa weapon. *holds it up*

Mulgrew: Stargate sucks.

Ryan: But that guy who plays Jackson is sooo cute! *sighs*

Me: Um…J.T, this is Paramount.

J.T: I know!

Me: …

Mulgrew: Okay, where do we start?

Borg: We are the Borg. Resistance is futile.

Mulgrew: Never mind.

Janeway: Take this! *shoots at them*

Kate: No, that's genocide!

Me: What do you want, humanity or assimilation?

Kate: Well, humanity is hard to define…

Me: Just shut up and shoot!

J.T: Shit, this thing's not working!

Me: Smartass, isn't there something else?

J.T: Hmm…*takes off top*

Ryan: Damn!

Mulgrew: Shit!

Me: Go!

Janeway: Hmmm…*writes down*

Kate: How obscene!

*Borg die*

Intendant: Hmm…plastic surgery?

Me: …

Intendant: I'm kidding. Chakotay already likes my boobs the way they are.

Me: …yeah…

Narrator: And so ends this episode of Kathryn-

Me: Get out. You're fired. And once again, the day is saved, thanks to Captain Janeway-

J.T: No, I did.

Mulgrew: She didn't do squat!

Me: Okay, okay…


End file.
